MURFREESBORO, Tenn. – April 27 was evidently Murfreesboro’s unofficial “Shoplifting Showcase,” featuring not one, but two acts of retail rebellion—both equally baffling, both starring suspects with a loose grasp on how transactions work in 2025.

Scene One: Walmart’s Discount Training Program  - Our first tale begins at the local Walmart on South Rutherford Boulevard, where a man bravely attempted to redefine self-checkout etiquette. Officer Ortiz was dispatched to the scene after Loss Prevention flagged a customer who passed all points of sale with not one, but two packs of alcoholic beverages—a grand total of $23.46 worth of adult fun.

The real gem of this story? When confronted by Officer Ortiz, the man boldly declared, and we quote, “I am not an employee and have not been trained on how to scan items.”

Yes, you read that right. Apparently, we’re now waiting for Walmart to issue scanning certifications to all customers. Until then, any unscanned item is simply a case of corporate neglect.

Fortunately for the retail empire, the man did hand over the drinks (possibly to avoid more scanning-related confusion), and he even signed a trespass form. A peaceful ending to a case of epic misunderstanding—or a retail-themed improv performance gone rogue.

Scene Two: Thornton’s High-Speed Checkout Escape - Just hours later, across town at Thornton’s gas station on Old Fort Parkway, another daring performance unfolded. This one, however, traded in confusion for good old-fashioned grab-and-go.

At approximately 3:27 a.m., a man walked in like any customer, selected a refreshing Gatorade (hydrate before you flee, obviously), and requested a carton of Newport cigarettes and some On nicotine pouches—because nothing says “fuel for a getaway” like a stimulant cocktail.

After several unsuccessful attempts at pretending to pay by swiping his card the wrong way (a move we can only assume was part of the plan), he simply grabbed the bagged goods and bolted out the door. The grand total? A crisp $100.28.

Described as a tall white male with dark brown hair, a patchy beard, and sporting a “Vols” shirt, the suspect was last seen running away in the same direction he came from. Presumably toward a dark alley or his nicotine lair.

No arrests have been made in either incident, but local businesses are advised to be on high alert for anyone who looks confused by self-checkout screens or who treats the checkout counter like a relay race baton handoff.

DISCLAIMER: All suspects are presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. The arrest records or information about an arrest that are published or reported on NewsRadio WGNS and www.WGNSradio.com are not an indication of guilt or evidence that an actual crime has been committed.